Who controls your life? (Chapter 1)
You’re probably reading this because you have an interest in improving some aspect of your life. The good news is that there are many simple things you can do to improve your experience of life and I aim to cover many of them in the following seven chapters.
To begin, I’d like to ask, “Who is going to have the biggest effect on your future life?”
Many of us would answer that it’s our spouse, our children, or the government. Others might say it’s the trials and tribulations of their everyday lives; the driver who cuts them up on the way to work; the queue in the supermarket on Saturday afternoons; or the fact that someone let them down with a delivery. All of these examples pass responsibility for our mood, thoughts and experience of life to other people or external factors over which we have no direct control. From this standpoint, we live our lives reactively moving from one crisis to another, waiting patiently for the day when these external ‘diversions’ settle down. When that day dawns - we tell ourselves – then finally we’ll be able to turn things around!
Put in these simple terms we can see how this attitude would seem to lead to a poorer experience of life. However, for many of us it’s our chosen norm and it suits us just fine. Whilst it may not always be obvious what the ‘payback’ is for continuing with this way of thinking and behaving, there MUST be one, or else we would simply not continue with it. The payback could be as straightforward as the fact that operating in this way brings us extra attention, or gives us something to have a good old moan about! By far the biggest ‘benefit’ of this attitude is that it ensures that there’s always somebody else to blame - and that feels good!
In sharp contrast, there is a different way of operating in the world that, if we choose it, allows us to exercise control over our lives. It involves totally accepting personal responsibility for the life we are living.
Taking personal responsibility for our own life can be very scary at first. After all, if we’re going to give up blaming everybody else, does that mean we have to take the blame ourselves? Not at all! The ultimate way for most of us to begin making significant and enduring improvements to our lives is to abandon the concept of ‘blame’ completely, and in its place to embrace the concept of ‘responsibility’ . Where appointing ‘blame’ depends on us making (often damning) judgements, accepting ‘responsibility’ requires us to have a mature grasp of the realities of life. We’ll wait a very long time for a perfect world to emerge. We might as well make a start on dealing with the imperfect one that we’re all currently inhabiting.
So what exactly does taking personal responsibility mean? Personally I think it boils down to recognising that ultimately the only absolute control we have in our lives is over how we choose to react to what happens to us. It is in these moments between stimulus and response that we as humans can exercise a choice. Do we react consciously and thoughtfully, to bring us closer to the result we seek, or do we react subconsciously and as our prior conditioning programs us to – excusing ourselves along the way with one of our favourite platitudes. Take your pick – we all have them in abundant supply! I can’t help it! That’s just me! It’s how I am! I can’t do anything about it! I can’t change it! In reality, of course, there are very few ‘givens’ in this life to which we are truly tied.
The lives we are living today are a direct consequence of the decisions and choices we have made up to this point in time. We will create our future in the same way, whether we choose to recognise our role in this or not. Once we accept this fundamental truth, we will begin to see that it’s in our moments of decision (or indecision) that we create our own experience of life.
Choosing to take responsibility for our own lives and creating the future we want is an amazingly empowering experience. We no longer feel the need to control everyone else (not that we ever could of course) but instead aim only to assert control over ourselves. This absolute control can be subdivided. We actually have control over three things, but only three things – our own thoughts, our own feelings, and our own behaviour. It follows, therefore, that we carry responsibility for three things and only three things – our own thoughts, our own feelings and our own behaviour. Trying to control any more than this is futile. Accepting responsibility for anything more than this is misguided. So if all we need to do is be in control of ourselves – and most of us emerge into adulthood with reasonable skills in this area – then we are already equipped with all the basic tools we need to build the lives we want.
If you feel ready to make a start, you could begin with the following pointers:-
1. As already outlined, the first essential step is to truly decide to accept total responsibility for our own life and commit to this decision. You must be ready to be proactive in creating the life you want and to recognise that you have the power to choose how you react to any situation.
2. To help consolidate this new way of thinking and make it habitual, practise recognising when others around you are not taking full responsibility for their own lives, and more importantly, when you yourself are not taking full responsibility for yours!
3. To undermine any unhelpful prior conditioning, you can practise interrupting any negative thoughts (usually rattling around in our heads in the form of negative ‘self-talk’) and replace these with positive and affirmative thoughts and beliefs that embody your new sense of personal responsibility and your fresh ‘can do’ attitude
You will notice that both steps 2 and 3 use the word ‘practise’ - this is deliberate. It is very important that when we start on the path to improving our lives we accept that it won’t always be an easy ride . There is some truth in the expression, ‘practise makes perfect’ but that said, the pressure to be perfect is often unrealistic and even debilitating in many areas of life. In practising our new thought and behaviour patterns, we need to aim for a steady and sustained improvement instead. Of course we must also strive to avoid using the fact that we are ‘only practising’ as an excuse for not making progress.
It bears repeating that taking responsibility for our own decisions in life is the single most important step towards creating the future we desire. Whilst it may at first seem a trivial and simplistic change in perspective, the effects of even this one step can be quite profound in changing our experience of life. Throughout these chapters I will attempt to provide information on other key ways to trigger long-lasting positive changes in our lives once the reality is accepted that we can decide to create the life we desire.
As ever , the theory is all well and good, but ‘the proof of the pudding is in the eating’. It’s getting out there and applying this learning to our lives that will really make the difference:
“The learning is in the living”.
My question to you, then, is - are you prepared to take responsibility for your own life?
The choice is yours, but always remember…
“If you don’t run your own life, someone else will” (John Atkinson)
March 19th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Ok, this all sounds great written on paper and I guess I agree in principle, but how do I tell if I’m taking responsibility in normal day-to-day life?
Dave
March 19th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Anth, well said and well written.
Dave, I think one way we can tell is that we stop moaning about or blaming others for what isn’t working in our day-to-day life!
Perhaps we can tell by what’s going on in our body - and what we put into it - and what’s going on in our minds (and what comes out of our mouths as a result)? Of course, I am only echoing what Anth is saying.
go well
MM
March 20th, 2008 at 12:23 am
I realized that I was not blaming people for where I am at, but blaming
some “thing”, rather than someone.I am blaming my habit of procrastination,my medical and health challenges - but not me!
I sometimes drown myself in self-pity. I beleive becoming aware of who I am, and become “willing” to make changes in a process that may be
uncomfortable, is a good start for me. Journaling is a great tool I use-the pen sometimes takes on a life of its own!
So glad I stumbled onto this site!
Val
March 20th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Hi Valerie, sounds like fantastic learning to me and taking responsibility is the perfect place to start.
One thing though, I don’t think it’s about blame it’s about taking responsability. I am sure Anth would agree there is a huge difference!
More power to you :o)
Thanks,
Gabbie
March 23rd, 2008 at 4:52 am
Hello!
I think that this lesson is what I have been looking for. I am taking responsibility for my thoughts and my actions and reactions. I am a person who will bottle up my feelings and my comments until the last moment. I am almost choking because I don’t voice my opinion or address a situation in a proper way
Therefore when I do address a situation, everything comes out with anger and rage. I despise people who try to control my life and I have learned that this is my life and I came here by myself and when I leave I will leave by myself. So it is important to me to take control of my life and get rid of all negativity. Great lesson!
March 23rd, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Hi, well I’m glad I found this site! I was at the end of my rope when I googled it. I too have not blamed any person for my life difficulties, but I have plamed my problem with procrastination, as if it was a person, somehow seperate from myself out of my controll. I relize that taking responsibility is accepting my procrstination as me, not separate from me and to start to dismantle it, little piece by little piece.
Janet
March 24th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I have read this lesson over again, and saw things clearer. I am determining to repeat, in my mind and put on a sticky note to remind myself this phrase :
“I choose to take full responsibility for my own decisions” !
This includes all informed, but especially uninformed decisions I make. These poor decisions have led to troubling consequences in the past.
March 30th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Thank you for this web site. I’ve been blaming my health for my limitations, I can’t blame anyone for my feelings, I need to move forward.
April 20th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
responsibility is a big word that needs big attention. up until i read this lesson i was not giving attention to what i wanted but always making excuses for what others wanted therefore i have someone to blame. mmm yes i agree with janet dismantling little piece by little piece.
April 21st, 2008 at 8:39 pm
I have always let others control my life, my spouse, my kids, my friends, and I have always allowed my needs to be dead last. I subconsciously thought their needs were always more important and more immediate. So as soon as I dealt with theirs, then I would address mine. Well guess what, I was too tired to get to the bottom of the list where my needs were and so they got pushed back and back and never, ever got addressed. And life has passed by rather quickly and I am still where I was. So they say if you want to change your future you need to start by doing something about it, on a daily basis. That’s my next step!
April 29th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
To me, the heart of this message is this: “ultimately the only absolute control we have in our lives is over how we choose to react to what happens to us.” Or to turn this around into a more positive approach: We may not always have control over what happens to us, but we can always choose how we respond. This is what the great psychiatrist and Holocaust servivor Victor Frankl took away from his horrific experiences in the concentration camps: “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Circumstances in my life have taught me to apply this to “the big stuff,” but I think perhaps changing your life also depends on exercising this “ultimate” choice even in the little stuff. And perhaps that is really the greater challenge.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Hi Sandra,
I guess we’re on the same wavelength on this, check out the blog entry here: http://empiricalcoaching.com/blog/?p=49
I agree that exercising the power to choose is an ongoing daily learning, and it’s not always easy. I still find myself “reacting” but now at least I can catch (sometimes not as soon as I’d like) myself and choose a better response.
I often think that as in almost every move to improve your life that it’s important to be kind to yourself. After all none of us is perfect and we have our whole lives to practise. Basically I like to encourage people to just keep working at it and to get curious about how they are creating the things around them with the choices they make.
All the best,
Anth.
June 5th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I have been blaming a person whose selfish decisions lead to a serious of events involving my employment but that was over 2 years ago. Up to a point it was fine to use that as an excuse to not move on but enough is enough. I will never be friends with this person and I suppose I will have to be cordial if our paths cross but I will stop talking badly about him because that gives him power he does not deserve.
He is not controlling whether I move forward - that is in my hands alone.
July 13th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Who Controls? I struggle wanting to do for my current wife but she makes choices that make my life difficult. What I am saying is the Decision to stay or move on, Peace or no peace that is the question and I know it is my decission to control how I response to my life events.
Thanks to all of you who have shared, this really helps me.(my mind is still in frag but I am running the defrag program NOW!) so i can see clearly….
July 18th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Dear Fellow Bloggers, I have learned from my new husband that it is fear that keeps us from making changes little and big in our life. I had to struggle with leaving a husband of 30+ years because of his dependency and neediness was a constant mental, physical and emotional drag in my life. I learned that you must separate yourself and visualize what you need and want from this life or it will pass you by. Choosing my new love and lifepartner, who is a strong take control, decisive man was the best thing and still is. I know I am going to find this website useful for daily living.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
i came to the uk just 3 months ago but for the last 1 month i am feeling so lonely, unhappy and i am totally depressed. i came here for earn money for my family but right i dont know what to do? i missing my mum and also no where any vacanceis, good job so please give me some useful advice and encouragement
August 18th, 2008 at 5:04 am
many times before i read about ”who will govern your actions” ( not a book ) and i think i still struggle with not letting others affect my decisions on how to react especially under pressure. but i think with your help ( I’m not trying to be a kiss a… ) i can make the true change or switch the ” self empowering/control” on and be able to keep it on with out the need to have a power failer and having to star all over again. maybe I’m exaggerating by explaining it this way or maybe you won’t understand me, but this is what just came out of my mind.
thank you Anth
September 11th, 2008 at 1:04 am
I’ve read Chapter 1 and wondered for a long time–what is my problem? I can’t seem to finish anything, I always working on something, a new business, a new book, a new self-improvement! Therefore, I am committing myself to this to see if it possible I can change my way of thinking and take full responsiblity for my life.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I am having so much trouble with motivation in daily life. From cleaning the house to just getting out of the house and keeping appointments. I am hopeful with the advice of chapter one with taking responsibility for myself and my bad choices not to do the things that I should be doing and start getting them done when they need to get them done will help me find my way…… I am just so lost right now. I have been with out motivation for so very long. It is like I find some for a day or two and it is gone again. what can I do to keep it?
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:26 am
I like the message you are sending out in this chapter. I was thinking about the practice makes perfect part…how about practice makes permanent. Years ago I heard this expression from another coach and I liked the idea that, that is the point to practice and practice until permanent…So “PRACTICE MAKES PERMANENT” makes sense.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:10 pm
My age is 44.
My mother’s ex-boyfriend took it upon himself to raise me when she left him.Much had been left out of my maturing.This is helping immensely!
I am looking forward to the following chapters with great expectancy so I can make much more of my SELF.Keep up the good words!