Anth Quinn

Imagine for a moment that you are waiting for an important meeting. You’ve been up since the early hours preparing, and you’re really excited about how things are developing. You arrive five minutes early and the clock ticks slowly on as the designated time approaches. You are on tenterhooks, excited and apprehensive. Then as the clock hand moves slowly past the appointed time you begin to wonder where the other person is. Self-doubt sets in. What could have happened? Are you in the right place? Have you got the wrong time? In the end you decide that whatever happened they’re not going to turn up. Deflated and dejected, you make your way home.

It really doesn’t matter whether we’re discussing an important meeting, a romantic date or an informal lunch. If it was important to you, then the chances are you’re not going to be happy to be left hanging around, alone and confused. Imagine how you’ll feel if when you eventually get in contact the other person explains by saying “something came up” or they “just forgot”. Whether they voice it directly or not, it is evident that the ‘something’ was more important to them than their meeting with you, and their forgetfulness is a keen indicator of just how much importance they placed on the meeting.

How would you feel? (How DID it feel? Most of us have been there!)

What would the impact be on how much confidence you place in their next invite?

Many of us go through life making promises and commitments, which at the time we may fully intend to keep - IF nothing else gets in the way! Sometimes our motivation in making promises might simply be to get the other person to stop talking! However, promises really demand much more consideration that this. Breaking promises really is one of the surest ways of souring even a strong relationship. Nothing erodes the ‘trust balance’ of a relationship more effectively.

Each and every time we promise something and then fail to deliver, we’re telling the other person something about just how important they are to us. They may not hear it immediately but over time the message will sink in and they will gradually lose confidence in anything we promise to do. Our relationships, whether personal or professional, will inevitably suffer and may even come to an end under the strain of broken promises! Broken promises undermine relationships of all types every day.

As ever in life, there is a flipside to this scenario. The making and keeping of promises builds and supports relationships, restores the ‘trust balance’, and leads to the kind of relationship in which both parties are prepared to ‘go the extra mile’ for one another. When people know they can trust what we say, they actively want to be involved with us. The more people there are who blithely break promises, the more valuable those who keep their promises become.

How careful would you be with what you committed to if you knew from the start that failure to deliver was not an option? The chances are you’d be much slower in making promises - but that’s no bad thing. A promise only has integrity if you fully intend to deliver on it so use them sparingly. Where a promise is not appropriate don’t make one. Instead, you can freely use ‘statements of possibility’ with complete integrity in situations where you’re not yet sure you want to go ahead, or if you need more time for consideration. Again, let reflection precede reaction. When asked out for lunch, rather than saying a definitive “Yes”, and realising later that you’re not available, you have the option to respond with a statement of possibility. You can say, “I could probably meet up at some point next week but I’ll need to check up at work first. I’ll get back to you on Monday at 10:00 and let you know.” Note that the second sentence of that response constitutes a promise! Make sure you do get back to them at 10:00 on Monday!

For some of us, responding in this way may seem unnatural or uncomfortable in the moment, but in reality most of us like to know where we stand. Better to manage a small measure of discomfort in the moment that to generate a great heap of hurt as a result of a broken promise later.

The example: “I’ll get back to on Monday at 10:00″ also demonstrates another powerful tool to help ensure you keep your promises to others - make it specific! Being specific means you have to think much more clearly about what you can or can’t commit to.

The benefit of only committing to things you really intend to carry out doesn’t just build better relationships with others! As without, so within! Every time you break a promise to yourself you decrease the power of your own word and erode the most influential and important relationship of all – the one you have with yourself. Just as you’d lose confidence in a partner, a colleague or a friend who didn’t live up to their promises, you’ll soon begin to lose confidence in yourself if you don’t take your own promises seriously! In contrast, by keeping your promises to yourself you’ll build your self -confidence, boost your self-esteem, and develop your personal effectiveness.

As an experiment, why not spend a day listening to those around you. Notice what promises they are making to themselves and to others. What clues are they giving to indicate whether or not they really intend to deliver on them?

When you’re ready move your attention closer to home. What promises could you make and learn from today?

“The person who is slowest in making a promise is the most faithful in its performance.” (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)

This entry was posted on Monday, March 10th, 2008 at 10:48 pm and is filed under Personal Development, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem, Take Control (Chapters 1-7). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.