Is fear causing you to procrastinate?
I thought I’d use this article to look at fear and specifically fear fuelled procrastinating.
A lot of people have commented on the blog, or written to me saying that they felt that they were held back by fear.
But what is fear anyway?
Fear is another one of those weird abstract nouns like change, procrastination, motivation and focus; we talk about them as if it were things outside of us. But they aren’t things they are labels we give to actions or emotions we have “frozen in time”, this might seem like a subtle distinction but the effect of this on your life can be huge. If you want to take control of them you have to turn them back into things you are actually doing.
For example,
If you are looking for motivation ask yourself:
“What would I like to motivate myself to achieve?”
Can you see the difference here? In the first example motivation is something “out there” but when you ask “What would I like to motivate myself to achieve?”
You put yourself back in control.
So what about fear?
If you’re someone who thinks fear is causing you to procrastinate, can you see how “fear” is some vague “thing” outside of you?
While it remains vague and “outside of you” it is like an imagined monster hiding in the shadows!
What could you ask to put yourself in control?
What about, “What specifically do I fear happening if I take this action?”
By asking this simple question you naturally begin to take control.
This is like turning on the light and looking in the corner for that imagined monster – it might be a spider or it might just be a pile of dirty washing – but whatever it is once you have it out in the light it has much less power!
So remember when overcoming fear, getting specific gives you power!
So let’s assume you ask these questions and understand the specific consequences that you fear may result if you take the action you have been procrastinating on and you’re still scared – what can you do about it?
Is it all about taking action in the face of fear? Telling yourself to “just believe” and “act as if?”
No! There is a very simple technique that is used by the people who go into the world most dangerous environments – I’ll tell you about it next week after you’ve had some practice putting yourself back in control by asking those specific questions ;o)
Anth.
PS: If you think that fear has been holding you back what specifically have you been fearing? and how has that held you back in the past?
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Ive been fearing saving up to buy a house or cabin. I live in my van. Im afraid if I get a home, my ex wife will come after me for alimony. I havent given her much since she decided to run away with our son, and she can be a vindictive person, though she has left me in peace for now.
Gaura
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I’m a good writer. Writing is all I want to do.
But I don’t do it.
Everyone knows I am wasting my time and (potential) talent.
And they tell me so.
But I just won’t do it - write the ideas I have into proper publishable form.
What on earth am I scared of? Some people have said I’m scared of success. That’s rubbish, I think. It’s fear of failure, simple enough, isn’t it?
If I don’t do the writing, by definition, I can’t have failed at it.
So how do I overcome this tedious impasse. Has anyone else faced a similar situation. I am not talking about the impossible. And I might be rubbish. But why won’t I try?
b
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:12 pm
“b”- I am in the same boat with you! I love writing. My wife has been on to me for years to get off my duff and write. She believes in me, but all I do is offer excuses. i’ve started dozens of books but have never finished. I am 51 years old and very frightened. is it failure or success i’m frightened of? or perhaps discovering that maybe i’m not that talented after all!
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:15 pm
My fear is to be on my own with two young children. I have had the time to get the education needed to get out in the world but I can never figure out what I want to be when I grow up and I’m 37. I know that I can make it though on my own without the husband but I am afriad that I will fail again and tuck my tail to come back to something I hate. Tell me why I can’t just have the balls and get out and be happy. Am I scared of happiness?
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:56 pm
I am with b and dw. I have had some success in being published as a co-author. I want to take it to another level with seminars, workshops and my own publication. I wonder what is really holding be back. It all comes down to “fear” and I agree with b - it is the fear of failure. I am working on convincing myself it is what I feel about what I am doing and not the need for the approval of eveyone else before I do something. I know I can do it, I feel I can be successful, I just need to jump off the high dive and into the pool! That last step is the one I am in fear of taking.
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Fear could kill dreams if allowed to persist in our lives. I have discovered that the only thing stsnding between man and success is fear. Fear of the unknown, Fear of what people would say or do to us, Fear of the business collapsing, Fear of where the required capital will come from, Fear of the current credit crunch, etc etc. However, I believe that we need to take the plunge and not look back, we need to burn the ships and cross the rubicon. Thanks, Anth. Your inspiration keeps me going day to day.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
I heard a good acronym for F.E.A.R. - False Emotions Appearing Real - people have all kinds of emotional duress around their perceptions of failure or success depending on the side of the coin they’re seeing it from.
Actually the idea of succeeding can cause negative emotions that really boil down to the level of comfort zone one has become accustomed to…..it also involves the level of expectations for oneself that have been established which in turn pull up all kinds of inner vows/life scripts that are very ingrained by age 6 or 7, by the way…. I also believe there is an element of a “worthiness index” - up to what level of success am I worthy of? What setpoint will I stop at? (like the flees trained to never get out of the can even though there’s no “lid” anymore,…..) Here’s a saying: “The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.” Charles Du Bos French literary critic
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Mine is fear of people thinking I am a fraud. So if I say I’m good at something I am. If I don’t know something or how to do something then it means I am not close to the 100 percent mark. In other words I am a perfectionist and therefore the standards I set for myself are that much higher than other people set for themselves and perhaps except of me. So I undersell myself and warn people of my weaknesses, which is not a good thing to do when you are looking for a new job.
Perhaps we need to look at things a different way. For example, for me I could say that I have already failed by not allowing myself the opportunity to make mistakes and grow. I failed to sell my strengths and failed to obtain a position where I may in fact succeed! Maybe for the potential authors of the world you could say that you have already failed because no attempt has been made, therefore, you have already failed as an author. I don’t know if it works…but what if we look from the point that we have already failed then what have we got to lose!? Any thoughts?
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:02 pm
ERM, I fear that once this long lasting nightmare of mine is over that I will
be alone. Also because of the situation it has warrented me to isolate myself somewhat. So when its over I suspect in a strange way I will miss hyperfocusing on the crisis, as there will be a void I will have to fill in my life and I question wether I shall be capable of filling that void both mentally and physically as the said crisis has had an impact on me, as I am almost at a standstill in the physical sense…..
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:24 pm
NAJ,
Could be fear of passing or fear of failing. I had the same thing with the C.P.A exam. Try to picture the next step.
If you fail…you know you just study to take it again.
If you pass…you still have the option of whether or not you want to use it, but the test is out of the way.
Maybe you just are not sure you want to practice, even if you pass the test.
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
My fear is that of making a wrong decision or mistake and having someone mad at me or dissappointed. I know intellectually that not deciding is making a choice and not always the right one for me or anyone else. But, I just get a knot in my stomach.
July 4th, 2008 at 12:06 am
My fear is that of making a wrong decision and having someone get mad at me or be dissappointed. So I put off things I am unsure of. I know intellectualy that not choosing is making a choice and it may not be the best choice for me or for anyone else. But, I just get this knot in the pit of my stomach…
July 4th, 2008 at 1:04 am
I have read the e-mails of fear so far. I wish that those were my fears. When I read them, they seem so simple, and not such a fear. But I know when you are truly facing fear and would not understand mine, that these would be FEAR!. I live with a very evil man. I fear every day what this individual will do to my life, to make it so horrible, that I will sucumbe to his way. Although, I have worked very hard not to, he still has one thing over me. My Cats, he knows how much I love these animals, and was a very big part in bringing two of them in my life. VERY CONTROLLING FACTOR. He played on my heart. He still controls me with these beautiful beings, and knows that I would never let harm come to them. Sometimes, I think that I should just let go and live the life I want, but then I worry about their saftey, if I’m not around, and he plays on this. Anth, how deep are you willing to go with real fear. How do I stop this. I already know the answer, get out.
But that does not change the day to day, or the heatbreak that he could cause me before I go. And yes he would kill my cats.
Nancy
July 4th, 2008 at 2:07 am
I postpone my sudies, assignment writing to the last minute.
I think I always want my work to be of that high quality - perfctionism?egoistic?
I dont want to be of second grade.
But, after procrastinaating till the last minute , i end up with a third grade!!!
July 4th, 2008 at 3:18 am
My problem isn’t fear and not realy procrastination. I figure it out . I am over reponsible. I have a bad habit of taking on to much I go help people to get there stuff finish and then when it comes to my stuff I fine myself getting it done because by the time I start my stuff I ran out of engery I don’t spend the time on it that I would like to
July 4th, 2008 at 6:49 am
I see ‘b’ and ‘dw’ comment on their fear about penning down their thoughts and making publishable books out of them !
Here’s my take at this THOUGHT called Procrastination :
1) The moment you hesistate to START/COMPLETE any task, don’t think to yourself that YOU ARE “PROCRASTINATING” because the thought itself wont allow you to move forward
2) Follow this :
i) When you sit down to do something, make sure you have time to spare for it.
ii) Then JUST DO IT & don’t think about the end result !!!!!!
START -> DON’T THINK YOU CAN’T DO IT -> DON’T THINK OF END RESULTS
Nothing you do will go to waste
At the end of it, you feel good about having completed your task successfully (in this case it is your BOOK)
Do, this ONCE for me
Then, let me know how you feel !
July 4th, 2008 at 6:54 am
OFTEN, thinking about the end result and what others think about what you do, is what starts this FEAR / PROCRASTINATION…
So, lets try for ONCE and see if this process of “NOT THINKING OF THE END RESULT” works for us !
Listening to motivational audio regularly will also help a lot
It’ll keep the DRIVE factor high..
July 4th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Nancy, I have been there with you and done that - I am your twin - but my worst fear came true and he DID shoot one of mine. I left before I was next to be shot. My fears now is away from the control I seem to be making mistakes and not settling to do the work that I desperately need done. Self Doubt and Procrastination = Unmotivated ? Laziness isn’t usually in my make-up but I am not achieving very much at all and don’t know what steps to take to start life again.
July 5th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Nancy: My advise. Grab your cats and go - Now. There are several safe houses for persons in abusive relationships and if there isn’t one in your city - Go to another. Life comes first. Then you can start worrying about how to start over. You can’t start over if you or your cats are hurt or worse.
Sue: You may need a short period of adjustment. When I lost my job it took me a little bit of time to start looking for another because you have been through an awful situation and you need time to sort it all out. Once you do - things will get better. If you are answering to someone (like a boss) hopefully they are somewhat understanding. Best wishes.
July 6th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Sometimes if you’re in an abusive relationship, in order to get out you need to build up your self-esteem and realize that none of us deserve abuse. Of course, the longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes to get out because your partner’s chipping away at whatever self-esteem you have left. If this is the case, it’s either time to get professional help or to trust the advice of people who’ve successfully overcome situations like this. Then you have to work at re-building a life that’s in balance. Eventually, in retrospect you’ll find it hard to believe that you tolerated such insanity.
July 6th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Thank you for taking your time to send me this great information to help me understand “fear.”
I am a full time student at university, I attend most classes and I have a fair idea of the topic, but I don’t seem able to write my assignment. I DO WRITE MY assignment because I do not think it is good enough, so I hold back on it instead of handing it in. This has become a very stressful situation as I am heading towards failing my papers.
SWINGER.
July 7th, 2008 at 1:33 am
hi Anth,
how are you? i wanna ask one question to you?? can you pls give me the answer of it .
i fear many time in the crowd or in big function ??? i feel like a i m in a heaven ,
July 8th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Mr. Quinn,
Thank you for your time. I’m in the process of starting an image consulting (home based) company. I have everything I need to get started, I am very knowledgable in that area, I’m very good at what I do, but FEAR stops me dead in my tracks. I am not a shy person by any means, I connect well with people, I have an outgoing personality, yet FEAR still stops me from going out and promoting my business. I have a strong fear of rejection and maybe a fear of failure. I love my business and my passion is there, but fear is overshadowing everything. Help!
July 8th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
This is for Nancy. Yes, compared to what you are going through our fears seem somewhat minor. I too have two special cats and one dog in my life whom I love very much and it breaks my heart to think of any type of harm happening to them. BUT, you must save you and if while doing that you can also save them, wonderful. If not, time will have to heal your heart. Just realize that everyday that you stay, a little part of you dies. Please find some sort of organization that can help give you the courage to leave and provide a safe place for you to go and Nancy, if all else fails, please, please call 911. Let us know how things are going.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
well dw, it seems you’re as nervous as me (and have the same comments from the missus!). Should we try to help each other out?
b
July 17th, 2008 at 9:50 am
[...] entry http://empiricalcoaching.com/blog/?p=58 provides a great example, if you read the comments you’ll see b and dw are both aspiring authors [...]
July 18th, 2008 at 3:19 am
Nancy
Please find a safe place where ‘The Evil Man’ would not think to look and then take your cats and go there, batten down the hatches, and rest, meditate, and restore your inner being until you feel safe.
OR
Please don’t compromise your life, happiness, and well being for the sake of your cats. Bless them and go yourself. If he thinks you won’t know what happens to them he will do nothing as it’s your reaction and pain that is his addiction and motivation to harm them.
It seems unfair that he should have that power… but he only has it because you give it to him. I have been in that position but rather than cats it was my baby daughter. We now live safely on the other side of the world and she is a blossoming young woman of 23 years.
Do not submit to his hold. You are a free being of value.
Kindest wishes,
Olivia
August 11th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Anth, you mentioned an e-book. Is that coming? I saw no mention of it since I sent in the request.
Great job on motivation. Lots of information to think over.
Jerry Faucher
August 11th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Hi Jerry,
Here is a direct link to the PDF
http://www.empiricalcoaching.com/pdf/takecontrol.pdf
Hope this helps,
Anth.
Anth.