Are you stamping on other people’s gifts?
Imagine for a moment that you gave someone a gift and the looked at it, smiled and then dropped it on the floor and smashed it under foot - How would you feel?
Angry? Hurt? Furious even?
Whatever your reaction chances are you wouldn’t be feeling too kindly towards them, would you? If they were asking you to help them, how keen would you be?
Well, luckily this kind of behaviour is reasonably scarce, so why bring it up?
The reason is that something very similar is very very common, and it’s all too easy to do - in fact many people are doing it daily and not even noticing.
It may not be as visible, but if you are engaging in this, the effects could be all too real and chances are people won’t even make the link.
You see, a physical gift is all too obvious, especially as it crunches under someone’s foot, but I’d like to invite you to take a moment and consider people’s opinions, values, idea and beliefs as something “real”
Now imagine a conversation where you actually hand someone your idea and the other person crushes it under foot - How would you feel?
The thing is, that even though they do not have physical form, people’s ideas, values, opinions and beliefs are as important to them as any gift - and you don’t have to smash them underfoot, simply dismissing them in whatever form may well have the same effect.
This dismissal can take a whole spectrum of forms from laughing in someone’s face to simply using the word “but” and maybe “but” is the most dangerous of all because it’s so common and it’s effects can be almost hidden - except to the listener’s unconscious mind.
Chances are that if you want someone onside whether at work, socially, or in your family, you wouldn’t laugh in their face and then expect co-operation from them, would you?
For all it may not be immediately obvious, unconsciously using “but” regularly may well have a very similar effect.
The thing with “but” is that it dismisses everything before it, (commonly described as everything before the but is bulls**t”.
If you don’t believe me look at the examples below:
1. I would go out for a drink with you, but you’re so untidy
2. So I’m so untidy, but you would for a drink with me?
Can you see the difference? This switch can also be quite an effective way to deal with other people’s “buts” just use it with care as it can be quite jarring - maybe you could try it out with a salesman during negotiations?
(Some people will also tell you that this is a good technique for challenging your own fears and objections, though I prefer to work with my unconscious mind and acknowledge any fear and say “and” I’d still like to…)
This introduces the commonly used answer to this “but” problem which is to get used to using “and” instead of “but”. This may seem trite, but it is surprisingly powerful.
It’s not just that it makes it more palatable to the listener; it also forces your unconscious mind to actually consider the other point of view, adding to it, rather than smashing it.
As ever, I’d encourage you not to believe any of this and if you’re curious about how powerful this simple technique is maybe you could practice using both and notice the difference in people’s responses. After all that’s the only “real” measure of whether your communication is getting the response you want.
Happy experimenting,
Anth
